BroBQ 6: Lowered Expectations

Like any great event or achievement BroBQ may have hit its peak last year.

We’ve crunched the numbers, examined the polls and spoken with the focus groups and come to the brutal realization that there is no way to top last years BroBQ.  To sustain and build on the grand tradition we have established would take far better men than us.  So, in conjunction with the marketing geniuses over at Olive Tree Services, we have come up with a new plan; let’s just take this fucker down a notch or two, lower expectations and hope that everyone gets enough hooch in them to not notice.

I mean seriously, it’s not like Babe Ruth hit 60 home runs every year. Not every Beatles record went to number 1 on the charts. The Gilmore Girls even had a few bad episodes in their illustrious 7 season run. What I’m saying is not everyone can live up to the bar they have set for themselves. What I’m also saying is that if there were to be some sort of Gilmore Girls reunion or movie, that I would be the first in line.

I reflect now on the good times. One year ago in the halcyon days of May 2010. The world had yet to discover and discard Ted Williams, the golden voiced homeless man. Simon Cowell was still breaking contestants hearts on American Idol.  Four Loko was about to hit the shelves and change the way we think of drinking. And a stunning young ingénue named Ke$ha was storming the airwaves with her hit Tik Tok, thus solidifying her spot as the songbird of our generation. We were so young and naïve and the dream of throwing the best summer kick off party of all time was still alive and well with us. I’m talking of course about BroBQ 5.

God, it was the best. Endless keg stands, an adult piñata, alligator alley, John Pie nude, a bagpipe serenade, the contracting of Lyme disease, fake giveaways, make ups, break ups and hookups all culminating in me being banned from George’s Island. So many moments worthy of a facebook mobile upload, so little time to capture it all. And that’s not even counting the after party. A lot of strange and mysterious shit went down, stuff that I shouldn’t even mention on here as to not cause any more BroBQ induced breakups.

There is no way this party can live up to that. I mean you’re welcome to come but for your sake and ours, leave your expectations in the parking lot. The fact of the matter is that us bros aren’t getting any younger. Gone are the days of rolling through the streets of Compton bustin’ caps, popping chicks bikini tops off while they play volleyball, furiously smashing a table of dominoes after losing, spitting dope rhymes left and right, and spontaneously drenching babes with 40’s of Old English. Things have changed, we’ve grown up and it may be for the better.

The truth is most of us bros have mortgages, real jobs, piece of shit boats and half-assed relationships to deal with and the kind of time, effort and commitment that is required of us to throw a monumental bash just isn’t there. In fact, I’m not even sure if you can call us “bros” any more. Jesse had himself legally emancipated and moved to Corning, NY to pursue his passion for blowing glass. From what I hear, he is doing great. We’re not exactly sure what happened to Jack (RIP?). He disappeared a few months back after a night of heavy drinking (vodka with a splash of monster energy was his favorite). We hired Olive Tree Investigations to track him down but a rash of broken iPhone screens that needed fixing prevented the investigation from really taking shape. He will be missed.

So think of BroBQ 6 kind of like a Stone Temple Pilots reunion; no one really asked for it, expectations are low, jean shorts everywhere and Scott Wieland may or may not show up.

Hope to see y’all there.

Also, I was joking about all that stuff. We still party like frat boys and this year will be no different. May 28th at Noon. George’s Island. Bring cocaine.